Leah Toledano

joy_and_me

hi j, it’s me. i don’t mean to bother you but a lot has been on my mind. one spritz of pink sugar

on my neck protects me like an amulet. are they bad girls that act like they’re good or good girls

that act like they’re bad i’m not sure but i found out which perfume they wear and now i wear it

everyday. they are so pretty and they always get what they want.

let me tell you about something that happened in fourth grade. i was in such a bad mood that

morning i ran into the backseat barefoot and screaming. i don’t remember why. when my mom

pulled up to the drop off line i realized i forgot my socks and shoes. i’m never on time because i

have to do lots of stuff to look less ugly and things that seem to come natural to other girls don’t

come natural to me. i pluck my hairs and i always suck in but i still look weird and fat most days.

not a lot has changed. i’ve died a thousand times in my mom’s backseat and i know i keep

telling you the same stories from a few years ago but they feel like ticks. atmospheres i can’t fix.

i scratch then i itch.

imagine my bare feet sticking to the humid plastic store floor inside of walgreens. my bare feet

walked me around while i panicked in search of a pair of shoes to wear to school that day. they

pretty much only sold hideous flip flops. my mom became frustrated with me. she wanted me to

choose something and then suggested we buy a pair of black water shoes. i begged her not to. i

couldn’t be seen looking like that. sometimes i am a brat. a good girl that acts bad. then we went

to target and i settled for a pair of mary janes. i realized never again in my life will i walk around

walgreens and target without shoes on and that made me sad. i almost refused the mary janes

so we could go to payless. i wanted my feet to feel a carpeted store floor.

my mom doesn’t understand what’s happening to my body even though she says she does. i’m

looked at sideways by everyone. recently i feel even worse because i started bleeding while on

a large boat called a cruise ship and you don’t seem like someone who’s been on one because

your weather isn’t as temperamental as mine. my shorts turned bright red and i didn’t know what

to do. my dad threw me his napkin so I could cover myself up. i think my body is a problem. i

confide in you with this stuff because despite my inconveniences, i’m still lovable according to

god. please don’t judge me. i was told that i was the number one customer at blockbuster this

year. well not me per se but my dad. it feels good when he buys me things like movies and

perfume.

my problems are undying like the ocean. i stand on the beach and try to release them into the

salty air but after they whirl around for a while they dissolve into little condensation droplets that

end up becoming part of a wave that crashes at my feet on the shore. when i push things away

they come right back. and i’m realizing that just cause i located the wound doesn’t mean i can

make it close. my cuts keep re-opening. will it ever feel the same way between me and my

parents as it does between us j? look i found a perfect seashell. you can have it. i think i like

you. i might seem upset for no reason sometimes but don’t be afraid of me j. don’t let your feet

carry you away.

Leah Toledano is a writer and artist based in Portland, Oregon. Her most recent poetry and visual art can be found in Dreck Lit, LURCH, Ethics, and forthcoming in wind-up mice. Her short films can be found on Vimeo. Find Leah irl hosting a reading series called Mental Peace Poetry in PDX. Visit leahtoledano.com if you’d like more.